Not Just Cricket

Beer could be big factor: Fleming

2011-01-05T18:53:00.001+11:00

This was among a list of Fox Sports headlines. Given that Australia's front-line spinner finished Day 3 with 1/85 from 29 overs, I assume Fleming must have been referring to Steve Davis' umpiring decisions.

I will be at the SCG again tomorrow, in Bay 27, if anyone feels like coming over to experience my particular brand of wackiness live. I'll be wearing a white Barmy Army t-shirt and probably a pair of red jeans.

Nightwatchmen

2011-01-04T20:58:00.001+11:00

I hate nightwatchmen. Like many, I'm sure. The concept is stupid, the execution is even more stupid and the whole thing is, overall, just...stupid. Today's major beef is that I think they negatively impact upon the batting of the proper batsman, by a) giving him one extra thing to think about and b) putting all run-scoring pressure onto the said batsman. Meanwhile, they're worse equipped to face difficult bowling (often in failing light).

And, if your nightwatchman gets out before stumps, do you bring in another? The case, based on the usual logic of using them, is even stronger now than when the first one came in. Where does the madness stop?

A few notes, post Tea

2011-01-04T20:43:00.002+11:00

Johnson’s wayward legside deliveries are faster than Hilfenhaus’ wayward legside deliveries.
After Johnson finally managed to bowl a ball that could be reached by the bat (and that didn’t go to the boundary) Clarke clapped for an inordinate length of time, like an ignoramus during a brief pause in Sonata Pathetique.
VB is too dreadful to tempt even me.
One Indian mynah should be fined for multiple pitch invasions.
There are pigeons at the ground, so I’m glad I’m not listening to Henry Blofeld.
There is a slight delay between sights and sounds on the cricket pitch, making it look like a badly-dubbed movie.
Drinks breaks are a lot faster live.
Flying bails only look beautiful when the ball is bowled by my team.

(Strauss was just bowled for 60, by the way.)

Pre-Tea report, Day 2 at the SCG

2011-01-04T20:39:00.001+11:00

I’m writing this at the SCG – although I won’t be able to post it until I get home as I have no internet access – and tea has just been called. What an excellent day of cricket watching so far! Watching Jimmy running in with the new ball (Aah! That’s Jimmy Anderson about 120m away from me!), Bell diving in the field and Straussy clobbering the Australian attack around the park is a wonderful way to spend the New Year. The morning rain that was promised has failed to deliver, I’m sitting in the Churchill stand close on as straight as I can get (around about straightish long-off to the right-hander) and I’m comfortable in the knowledge that England have already secured the Ashes.

Strauss has gone to tea on 49, an innings which has so far included a magnificent pull for six and (in my opinion) and even better shot – the straightest of straight drives for four. Cook has accumulated and shouldered arms at the other end, playing a steady second fiddle to Strauss’ flamboyance (never really thought I’d describe his batting as flamboyant).

However, the highlight of the day for me, so far, is when Paul Collingwood cleaned up Hussey’s stumps (admittedly off the bat and the pad). My favourite ginger cricketer just looked so happy, and I’m hoping he gets a hundred here so that if he retires, it will be on a high – or it could rescue his Test career!

There are a few lowlights. Firstly, the partnership between Johnson and Hilfenhaus was allowed to build through Strauss playing to Johnson’s ‘farm-the-strike’ game and Bresnan and Tremlett bowling a few feet too short to induce edges. Second, the woman directing vehicle traffic at the entrance was incredibly rude and in need of a strong sedative (and muffler). Third, the food on offer was so dreadful I couldn’t bring myself to buy any and therefore went without lunch. I also generally get very pissed off with the SCG groundstaff – they take forever, prepare a pretty poor pitch and get all precious over their ground. Also, I’m about as far away from the Barmy Army as possible – although thankfully surrounded by jubiland England fans.

Anyway, 73/0 in reply to 280 and tea is at an end. My phone has run out of batteries so unfortunately I’ll be a bit quiet on the Twitter front (@MeikoElektra) and can’t listen to Test Match Sofa. However, I’m having a brilliant time and wouldn’t be anywhere else for the world!

Do I dare to hope?

2010-11-28T18:39:00.001+11:00

No, of course I don't, stupid. I'm an England supporter. We are entirely bereft of hope most of the time, and don't dare to hope the rest of the time.

However, I have been letting my imagination run away from me. In brief alcohol- and chocolate-fuelled moments, I have visualised how England could win this Test. Incredibly dangerous, I know, and I have surely doomed them to a resounding defeat. But here's how it could possibly go on Day 5 at the 'Gabba.

Cook and Trott come out tomorrow morning and play themselves in for all of two overs before realising that the Australian attack are eminently hittable, and they clobber some quick runs. Cook eventually falls, followed by Trott in quick succession, bringing in a rampant KP and Collingwood who immediately start butchering the Aussies all over the park. Strauss, being slightly conservative, declares half way through the afternoon session, giving England a lead of around 280 and 45 overs to bowl Australia out. The match looks like it will be drawn.

And sure enough, Katich and Watson get off to a pretty good start, before Twatto applies hair gel one too many times and Katich throttles him, getting himself arrested. Ponting comes and goes without a whimper, out lbw to Anderson.

However, Clarke and Hussey put together a handy little partnership and, with an eyelash injury to Jimmy Anderson, it all looks over for England until Strauss has a moment of brilliance and calls upon Collingwood to bowl. Lo and behold, Colly's military medium can only be chipped to mid-off, where the ball falls safely into the hands of a gleeful twelfth man in Monty Panesar (on for Jimmy), giving Colly a hat-trick. Ponting throws a hissy fit at England's use of a sub fielder.

A jubilant Mushtaq Ahmed dashes onto the field and starts doing the sprinkler with Monty, but is banished from the ground for his unofficially-sponsored Adidas beard, or for being Muslim or something (it is Queensland, after all). Nonetheless, in the dimming light, Finn comes on to clean up the last four wickets, getting himself ten for the match, England win by 87 runs with 5 overs to spare. Jimmy Anderson comes out onto the balcony and, misunderstanding the concept of a flash dance, gets his gear out and does the hokey-pokey, getting himself an instant Men of Cricket contract and becoming the face (and body) of the Mardi Gras.

A demoralised Australia go on to lose the Ashes 5-0, Ponting retires in tears, Katich is given life, Clarke becomes captain for one game before discovering his life dream of becoming a relationships guru and North is given the captaincy, proceeding to lead Australian cricket into the darkest era of its history.

This is all perfectly possible.

When wickets aren't what you really want

2010-11-27T17:32:00.000+11:00

England have just bowled out Australia, and this is probably the worst possible situation for the team as they'll now have to bat for a good two days to make the match safe, which I can't see happening unless Ponting decides that he should use Marcus North and Michael Hussey as his frontline bowlers (which he might, being Ponting).

I am trying to think of ways in which England could win this match, but my powers of imagination don't stretch that far. Cracks are appearing in the pitch. Cracks of doom.

Swanny gets a wicket

2010-11-27T16:36:00.000+11:00

Too damn late to make any difference, but it might be a sign of him bowling better in Australia's second innings. If they ever have to bat again.

Kill me now

2010-11-27T15:41:00.001+11:00

So much stuff has happened since I last posted. Mazhar Majeed, a century for Broad, Herschelle Gibbs' biography, Mickey Arthur's biography, the rise and rise of Test Match Sofa (who may be on the verge of world domination) and so on.

Day 3 at the Gabba, and all is going to shit. As we knew deep down it would. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise but we are well and truly fucked and it turned out to be a hedgehog, not a gerbil. Perhaps this is the one forgettable match, like Headingley was in 2009, but despite the excellent work of Jimmeh with the ball, I am fast losing hope.

So, kill me now. Let me die in peace, without having to see the repulsive face of a celebrating Ricky Ponting. It's tea now; lace it with cyanide, please.

Oh rubbish

2010-08-27T20:28:00.001+10:00

England are 47/5 and Collingwood and Prior are out. Trott and Prior remain the only hopes. My love for Test Match Sofa can only stretch so far.

Still, it's better focusing on this than on the current Australian election. When a third of your hopes lie in the lap of Bob Katter, you should be worried.

England are in trouble

2010-08-27T20:13:00.001+10:00

And being the sulk I am, I'm seriously considering switching off the radio. Or would be, if Test Match Sofa weren't so entertaining. However, England are in a quagmire at the moment, with Strauss and Pietersen in the sheds (Cook is a free wicket anyway - they'd be better off opening with Jimmy Anderson). Our hopes lie with Trott, Collingwood and Prior, and resistance from the tail to make a decent score. Followed up by brilliant bowling and some helpful conditions. I'm clutching at straws, I know. Anyway, it's given me something to blog about, albeit briefly.

A referral. Pakistan may have Collingwood out LBW. Bother.

Fiddle-dee-dee

2010-08-26T20:37:00.000+10:00

It was raining at Lords. I became bored. I fiddled around with the design of my blog. I'll hate it in a few hours, but at the moment I'm happy.

They're thieves, they're thieves, they're filthy little thievesssss

2010-08-26T19:45:00.001+10:00

I'm back

2010-08-22T13:17:00.000+10:00

There have been many instances in history and mythology of people returning from the dead. Lazarus. Jesus. El Cid. Frankenstein. Dracula. Mohammad Yousuf. Mohammad Asif. Most of the Pakistan team, in fact. But none of these startling returns matches this one. No one could have been less likely to return to this existence than me. Unless Younis Khan comes back, that is.

Anyway, I'm back, I love youse all, and I'm going to stand up, move this blog forward in the most fair dinkum way possible to make sure all blog readers get a fair shake of the sauce bottle. Yes I will. Sorry, post-election trauma. I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen again.

I'm not sure how long this revival will last, or if it's like Luigi Galvani's frog. (*BZZZ* "I'm alive, I'm alive! Oh, I'm not.) Or, alternatively, Shahid Afridi's return to Test cricket. But, while I'm here, I'd better make the best of it and bite some balls, play some loose shots and make a few more enemies. I hope you are entertained but, if not, I'll carry on anyway.

The death of cricket

2010-03-02T20:19:00.003+11:00

It's official, folks. Cricket is on it's deathbed. Or on death row, perhaps. Rather than choosing a young, innovative go-getter to breathe life back into all formats, John Winston Howard, whom I assume might appreciate some of the views declared by a certain member of the public in my last post, has been voted President of the ICC.

Yes, the man who couldn't get a ball to reach the batsman, who lost his seat and the election catastrophically (for him) in 2007, who brought us fabrications such as "Children Overboard" and the affirmation of WMDs in Iraq, IR laws and other measures against freedom and equality and claimed that apologising to the Stolen Generation was an act of navel-gazing (rather, it was a rather ugly bit of history that he'd rather not think about).

Still, the clock's ticking, John. 2012 is a long way away for an old chap like you.

Meanwhile, it's time to start investing in Akubra hats, as I'm sure his first action will be to make them part of a mandatory dress code at the cricket.

Angry

2010-03-02T20:01:00.003+11:00

That's what I am after the racist rubbish spouted by 70s rock has-been and Channel 9 "social issues advocate" (ah, the irony!) Gary "Angry" Anderson, who claims that weapons culture is not an Australian thing and was introduced by Lebanese, Pacific Islander and "Indochinese" immigrants. Setting aside the mindbogglingly ignorant racial classification of "Indochinese", which would include over half the world's population and a huge variety of cultures, the disgusting whiff of bygone eras (think Cronulla riots) that it brings and the terrifying "justification" that it might give to further attacks on Indian students and other non-Anglo visitors and migrants, Angry seems to have no evidence except for a claim that 'there was practically no weapons culture 20 years ago'. That'd be around 1990, a time not only of demographic change but also music subculture change in Australia. Could it possibly be that this rise in weapons-related violence started with 70s foetuses being subjected to Rose Tattoo while in the womb?

Now, those of you who know me will know that I like research. They will also know that I get pissed off at unfounded claims, especially when those claims are directly or indirectly harmful to a person or group of people. Therefore I will be conducting my own research into the matter, correlating and comparing data across Australia and attempting to determine whether there is any significant causal evidence that these cultures are to blame for weapons-related violence in Australia. My hypothesis? No. However, it takes a good deal more time to do thorough research than it does to spout out unfounded claptrap, so it might be a little while before I can present my findings here. Hopefully I'll have it done before the end of March, though.

It's not the first time Angry has inflicted his small-minded views on public society, however. According to Wikipedia (who quote from that pinnacle of Australian written journalism, The Daily Telegraph*), Angry went on an anti-Muslim rant in 2007. What a lovely bloke. What a representative of Australia, and the values we hold dear.

*A Rupert Murdoch-owned Australian tabloid paper similar in views and quality to Channel 9. There are claims it censors any comments to its articles that criticise quality, conservative governments, the police and military. It features such columnists as Piers Akerman, who has had numerous workplace sexual harassment charges levelled against him, as well as an assault charge by the former editor of the Advertiser and is a climate change denier. My opinion is it is enough to turn the most balanced person to become a member of Socialist Alternative, sleep with a photo of Karl Marx under their pillow and spend every waking hour reading Thoreau's Walden. I refer to it as The Daily Terrorgraph.

Coincidence? I think not...

2010-03-01T22:03:00.001+11:00

A little non-cricket-related post.

One of my favourite books (and films) happens to be The Outsiders. For those who haven't heard about it, it is a story about a bunch of young disadvantaged kids in a town in Oklahoma, the "greasers", and their battle against the priveledged "soc's" (pronounced "soshes") as they struggle to accept the place they hold in society. That's a really rotten summary so I suggest you Google a better one.

Anyway, one of the key elements of the book is a Robert Frost poem that is quoted by one of the characters, Nothing Gold Can Stay. It goes:

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

As the plot of the book moves along, the poem gains meaning for the characters as they see it representing the humanity that they have to hold onto. The main character, Ponyboy, is told to "stay gold" in a posthumous letter from a friend. Anyway, the whole green/gold thing is rather symbolic of the story.

A few weeks ago, just after re-reading The Outsiders, I decided to hunt up some more songs from one of my favourite bands, an Irish-American folk/country group called Solas. While they've somewhat moved away from their Irish roots in their latest album, The Edge of Silence, they did feature a great cover of a song called Georgia Lee. Now, I must admit that I'd never heard of the song before and didn't know who it was by or what it was about. After a little bit of research, I found out it was written by Tom Waits and featured on his album Mule Variations. It's based on the true story about a twelve-year-old runaway African-America girl, Georgia Lee Moses, who was kidnapped and murdered in Petaluma, California in 1997. The case has never been solved. The final verse before the chorus runs:

There's a toad in the witch grass, there's a crow in the corn
Wild flowers on a cross by the road
And somewhere a baby is crying for her mom
As the hills turn from green back to gold

Anyway, that green and gold bit made me connect it to The Outsiders - innocence, disadvantaged kids, dead disadvantaged kids and all that - so I grabbed the Outsiders movie (made in 1983) and rewatched it. And what name should I see in the credits, playing a very minor character? Tom Waits.

Not only that, two days later I rewatch Shrek 2, to discover that the song A Little Drop Of Poison (that one sung by Captain Hook in the dodgy inn) is sung by Tom Waits. So, if my head seems a little bit weird it's because some alien force is trying to manipulate my mind to see connections everywhere.

Doing research on Georgia Moses was hard - there's barely any information on the murder outside the song and she doesn't even have a stub article on Wikipedia - and it's rather appalling to see the difference in the quantity of coverage of her murder in comparison to the murder of a twelve-year-old white girl in Petaluma, in 1993, of which Richard Allen Davis was convicted. Even more press was given to the unsolved murder of six-year-old beauty pageant JonBenet Ramsey, who was found strangled in her parents' basement just after the Christmas of 1996. They reopened the case last year. It's interesting reading. Do a bit of research on the foundation her parents set up as well - it might raise a few eyebrows.

So, I know you've probably not bothered reading this because it's not cricket and it probably doesn't make any sense at all, but I've enjoyed writing it. All this does is confirm that great Orwellian quote that "some are more equal than others". Which reminds me of a story hanging round the press recently, the arrest (finally) of Roman Polanski. But that's for another day, I've run out of rant.

A picture to projectile-vomit to

2010-02-15T22:54:00.002+11:00

Seriously, I'm struggling to work out who's who here. I'd been informed that Mrs Bracken was hot, but I'm not sure I agree. Sure, her body is well-shaped thanks to a strict diet and those very obviously enhanced objects that look like they've been plonked on the front of her chest, but she has the face of a sixty-year-old from the depths of Sydney's eastern suburbs. If this were a beauty contest, I think I would be giving Bracks the winner's sash, although there's room for improvement with that haircut (which I believe is done by Mrs B).

And, golly, who designed that dress?

Just a quick one

2010-02-10T00:01:00.000+11:00

I've been run off my feet with work of late, so I haven't had any time for blogging. The resumption of Test cricket after a short pause has helped spark this post, and I'd just like to congratulate Dale Steyn on doing what players often fail at and walking the talk by snatching a ten-fer in the first Test against India. It was brilliant, inspired bowling. Or so it seemed from the Cricinfo commentary, which as you probably know isn't the last word on accuracy and objectivity, although vastly superior to anything Channel 9 could manage to excrete.

Back in this hemisphere, Doug Bollinger is getting wickets and the West Indies are losing. I wish he'd forget how to bowl. Maybe I could bribe his mum to go to the papers with some melodrama-soap-opera story (about his wig, and how she hates that he cares more about his hair than her) and he has a mental implosion a la Mitchell Johnson. But it won't happen, because Doug's not that kind of guy.

Off to the SCG today

2010-01-24T11:10:00.001+11:00

And I'm going to be doing my patriotic duty by cheering against Ponting, as usual. However, Pakistan better turn up, because I will be very, very pissed off if I have to pay $85 to watch Australia win. Especially if the win is orchestrated by Ricky himself, or the world's biggest bogan Cameron White.

I'm off to pack the sandwiches and organise the water. Hopefully it doesn't rain.

REVEALED: England players are Nelson's men in disguise

2010-01-15T22:28:00.007+11:00

I've been aware of this since the 2005 Ashes and my first view of the lad who claims his name is Ian Bell (fake name if I ever saw one, by a lazy imposter who can't be bothered with more letters) but I've kept it a secret. Until now. The England cricket team has been infiltrated by Napoleonic British officers and crew, in an attempt to channel some of the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar into a series win worthy of an open-top bus parade to Trafalgar Square.

Here it is, for the first time - Nelson's men in whites. Or at least Forester's Nelson's men in whites:

LT ARCHIE KENNEDY AND IAN BELL

Just like Bell can't score a century without someone else in the team doing it first, the sweet-natured Kennedy doesn't do well in battle unless Hornblower's around to save the day. When Midshipman Simpson bullies the young Kennedy, he suffers from fits, echoing Bell's averse reaction to hearing the name Shane Warne.

CREWMAN STYLES AND RYAN SIDEBOTTOM

One scruffy, frizzy-haired, rat-chewing Yorkshireman. One scruffy, frizzy-haired Yorkshireman who may or may not chew rats (I don't know, but I should keep an eye out). If Sidebottom is anything like Styles, he's loyal, a bit of a rogue and slightly useless.

PAUL COLLINGWOOD AND CREWMAN MATTHEWS

Despite their being a slight age difference in these photos, Matthews and Colly have a lot in common. Gritty, always willing to take one for the team and yet forever keeping a low profile when the cameras are around, you can imagine that Matthews favourite stroke with the oar was definitely the nurdle.

LT WILLIAM BUSH AND CAPT MICHAEL VAUGHAN

Both Bush and Vaughan were men who showed attention to detail and kept a cool head in battle, while their more brash colleagues took centre stage (not always in a positive way). They both had receding hairlines and semi-mullets, and spent time campaigning in the West Indies, but somehow I can't imagine Bush toting a designer manbag, although that might have been because he couldn't afford one after paying for silver shoe-buckles.

HORATIO HORNBLOWER AND ALASTAIR COOK

Excessive dark locks, thick black eyebrows, facial structure, ears, nose, mascara... there is no doubt that Alastair Cook is Hornblower in whites. As it seems that the English cricket team are determined to shape this young man as a captain, I think that England fans can relax in the knowledge that the team is in competent hands. As long as he doesn't get seasick, that is.

THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM LAND ON FOREIGN SHORES

I spy Andy Flower in need of a hair transplant, and Luke Wright. Or is it Freddie?

Never leave out the onions!

2010-01-15T19:43:00.000+11:00

Graham Onions really is like onions. That wonderful bulb is almost always on hand to rescue a lacklustre recipe from tasting like wet sawdust, and likewise Onions is usually there for England, rescuing them from lacklustre performances that leave them floundering in the dust. However, Onions (of any kind) was left out of this game, and consequently England were out for 180 and a barely-fit Sidebottom really isn't looking threatening at all.

Never leave out the Onions. And if England live to fight another day, they must remember that Onions can provide much more flattering headlines for them than a hairy Yorkshireman whose name suggests that he has his anatomy all mixed up.

No I was not clobbered to death by my irate countrymen...

2010-01-13T19:50:00.000+11:00

They just seem to have reduced my internet speed to prevent my anti-Australian-cricket blogging. It is currently running about as fast as Inzamam-ul-Haq but should be back to usual speeds when the match starts.

Kamran Akmal has been dropped. Now he knows how the ball feels.

England, my dear England

2010-01-08T19:11:00.002+11:00

Could you please stop doing this to me? I know you're trying to keep Test cricket alive, and you're doing a great job of it, but you'll run out of fans pretty quickly because we'll all be dead from heart attacks. Does it have to be nine down and Onions or Monty in every time? Can't you keep these performances for special occasions, rather than making them part of your repertoire?

By the way, if I was going to back any man to face the most balls in the innings in trying to eke out a draw, the last man I would have said would be Bell. I would have said Onions over Bell. Even Prior. But Belly it was - 218 balls for 76 runs and he proved that he's not always a completely useless bunny. Collingwood I expected to stick around, it's his role to rescue England from final innings collapses.

And Steyn. WAG. His bowling yesterday was proof that he is indeed the best quick bowler in the world.

Now, off to the Wanderers, and hoping for a nice, comfortable England win or draw. Even a nice, comfortable South African win. Anything but a final day stress-a-thon, please...

Shhh...

2010-01-07T23:15:00.000+11:00

I really can't say what I'm thinking, or I'll put the mockers on England. Any real blogging will be done after the match - I'm still feeling the trauma of Sydney.

Get some close fielders in, Radley

2010-01-06T20:54:00.001+11:00

Strauss thinks that he'll somehow get the South Africans out by boring them into mad batting. He obviously has never watched a Jacques Kallis innings. Stop giving them easy singles, Straussy - England need wickets, and fast.

My man AB de Villiers is in at the moment, but I hope he gets out for nothing. England comes first.

My plan for today

2010-01-06T18:19:00.001+11:00

After two days of very tight cricket between England and South Africa, the English bowlers did what we've been kinda expecting them to do all series and completely forgot what a good area was. They should ask Shamone Jardin - Kallis showed her exactly where it was down in Melbourne and while she may not have given the impression of being fascinated, she surely would have retained the information better than Jimmy, Broady and the Onions. Thankfully my man Swanny was a threat throughout the day and claimed both South African wickets to fall.

Anyway, where it all leaves us is with South Africa having a massive lead of 330 with only two wickets in the shed, Graeme Smith with an unbeaten century and Jacques Kallis cruising along as he has all series. However, they haven't banked on my powers upsetting their day today because they are foolish enough to not know who I am. I am proposing eight quick wickets in the first hour or so, England coming in to bat on what is a road as soon as the first half of the morning session is over, the South African bowlers all mysteriously coming down with food poisoning during the lunch break and Strauss and Pietersen working their way to getting England a resounding victory on day five.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Damn...

2010-01-06T18:05:00.001+11:00

If you want to read about who won the SCG Test, go find some other blog.

I'm off to smash windows. If I meet Jesse Ryder, I'll get his autograph.

Andrew Strauss, get a third man in

2010-01-05T23:48:00.004+11:00

Right now.

Wow, he did it - just as I wrote it. Says a lot for demands over requests. Therefore I might also say, "England bowlers, get some wickets NOW!"

Let's see if that works...

This better bloody go as expected!

2010-01-05T20:35:00.002+11:00

On the page, it all looks rosy. Australia are leading Pakistan by a piddly margin of 80 runs on a pitch that is slowing by the hour with only two wickets in hand. I should be guaranteed a sound night's sleep (once I've finished with the match in South Africa at least).

Except for one thing. Michael Hussey. After spending the first part of his career looking like the new Bradman and the second looking like the new Hughes (Philip), Muss seems to have found some balance. He no longer makes bowlers cower at his invincibility, but neither is he the walking wicket of the past few seasons. I am still scarred by his late-wicket partnerships with Stuart Clark and Glenn McGrath, both who defended rather less competently than Siddle can. We must not - I repeat must not - have that kind of thing happen again, or I will cry. Nobody wants me to cry, do they?

Mike Hussey does.

"I LOVE MAKING THE MG CRY."

PS. Meanwhile, Daryl Harper has done something completely expected and made a dreadful decision over at Sahara Park. Actually, had it not been for the UDRS (and a successful appeal by Prince) that decision might have sat alongside Steve Bucknor's not-out verdict in Sydney as a decision that sparked a diplomatic incident. Only I don't really think South Africans go in for diplomatic incidents these days. The ball was about as close to the bat as David Warner is to Test cricket.

The bell tolls...

2010-01-05T01:48:00.000+11:00

Yes, such a predictable title. Sorry. But it's past 1 in the morning here, and Ian Bell has just missed another opportunity to prove that his box isn't empty. Now it's down to the questionable batting skills of Matt Prior and Stuart Broad, and that result of a mating between awesomeness and hilarity, Graeme Swann (who I'm backing to get a century here and save England's blushes). Good to see Steyn and Morkel bowling well though.

As for the other match happening. Firstly, 127. No more needs to be said about the Australian first innings, aside from "Mohammad Asif is bloody brilliant". Secondly, Pakistan are two hundred runs ahead. I just hope that in a few days time I'm not saying "but they were two hundred runs ahead!"

The joys of listening to TMS

2010-01-05T01:41:00.004+11:00

Test Match Sofa, that is. Much as I love listening to the old wobblies on the BBC, these guys are bloody good. Not only that, they have some pretty awesome guests, like Jrod and SarahCanterbury. Seriously, for the younger generation of Real Cricket supporters, Test Match Sofa is like a lifetime supply of alcohol to Jesse Ryder. I'm seriously afraid of overindulging in their awesomeness. When they read my tweet, I couldn't have been more excited if Tolkien was declared returned from the dead.

Not only that, they seem to be fellow Swann fans. Very wise of them.

Oh my goodness...

2010-01-03T16:04:00.000+11:00

Oh my sainted aunt's blessed cotton socks. Australia are 6/52, with Watto, Clarke, Hussey and North having joined Punter and Pip in the dressing rooms. Asif is on a hattrick, Johnson nearly timed-out and I can hear Ponting's tears dropping onto the dressing-room floor from here. I can gloat a little longer.

A quick update

2010-01-03T14:26:00.000+11:00

Ponting won the toss on a pretty green pitch (for the SCG anyway) and decided to bat. Philip Hughes was dropped on a duck, but it didn't cost Pakistan anything, as he got out two overs later (still on a duck after a swish outside off and almost a crazy single) nicking to the slips. Well, it was expected, but it's nice to see my predictions come true.

Then, Ricky was out for a golden duck. A golden duck! Fell right into the trap had been set by hooking a short ball to square leg. Sami on a hattrick. Then, Watto was nearly out LBW on the hattrick ball - not given after a referral by Pakistan.

I just decided I'd record the glee I'm currently feeling, because I'm sure it won't last long.

Simon Katich can't smell

2010-01-03T13:36:00.002+11:00

I imagine this would come in handy in the Australian dressing rooms.

I explain myself

2010-01-03T13:35:00.001+11:00

Ok, a few comments on here have led me to understand that not everyone understands my vendetta against the current Australian captain. Frankly, I can't see how anyone could like him, unless they were a one-eyed Aussie, but maybe it's not that obvious to people who don't have to share a country with the bastard. Therefore I have decided to list ten reasons why Ricky Ponting does not have me on his fan list (I could have written a thousand, but I'm trying to clean the house at the moment).

He's a pretty dreadful captain. Despite being the "most successful" captain of all time, for about half of his current captaincy career, he was carried by Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist, a bunch of guys who could have pulled a win out of anything. Since the retirement of The Three, Ponting has been hardly successful as a captain, losing Test series' in India, England and at home to South Africa. Many of these losses can also be contributed to his lack of captaincy skills, as in the final overs in Cardiff, not picking Hauritz at the Oval, bowling his part-timers in India when the team needed to grasp the momentum and generally setting defensive fields in both Perth and Melbourne against the Saffers.
He's arrogant. I could get you quotes, I could get you voice clips, but I don't think I need to. Ponting barely acknowledges the opposition, you can always hear a sneer in his voice and, according to Kerry O'Keefe, his team doesn't acknowledge the fans enough, especially while on tour.
He has Small Man Syndrome. From punch-ups to talking big, (P)Ricky likes to impose himself on the opposition and anyone else who gets in his way. Unfortunately for him, he's about the size of a midget and just comes across as rather silly.
He throws tantrums. Think that only girls like Shane Watson throw tantrums? Think again. Stretch your mind back a few years to Trent Bridge, when he was run out by Gary Pratt (who really deserved an OBE for that). Then again, he was in good company in that series, as that determinedly masculine teammate Simon Katich also spat the dummy.
His appealing is appalling. He appeals for everything, and he's not even the bowler or wicketkeeper. He appeals for bump balls, non-existent nicks, LBWs pitching outside leg. I wouldn't be surprised if he appealed for a four, just in case. Not only that, but he looks repulsive while he does it.
He's the biggest bloody hypocrite around. Forget certain politicians and religious leaders, Ricky has this well-covered. For a man who has done more than any captain in recent memory to encourage his team to play contrary to the spirit of cricket, he is a great advocate of the philosophy and loves accusing opposition captains of not playing within the spirit. Thankfully no one listens to a word he says on this matter anymore.
He gets away with pretty much anything. In recent times, the only charge Ponting has been in risk of suspension for is slow over rates. However, this does not indicate a sanctimonious nature, but a bias on some part or another to let him get away with shoving opponents, abusing crowds, not controlling his players, celebrating Gayle's wicket just like Watson did, claiming catches that weren't, interrogating umpires, being plain rude on the podium at the presentation of the 2006 Champions Trophy and various other misdemeanours. Maybe they think, like a foolishly indulgent grandmother, that when Ponting does it it's cute?
He tarnishes the reputation of the men that went before him by projecting this kind of behaviour as a traditional Australian way of playing cricket. Steve Waugh played hard, but you never smelled arrogance in the air. Mark Taylor was a captain that any Australian would be proud to name as a countryman. Sadly, many young overseas fans will be thinking that all Australian teams are like our current one, and many young Australian fans will look to these "role-models" as a guide on how to conduct themselves on the field, when they represent their school, club and perhaps one day their country.
His minions ape him. A number of the newer members of the Australian line-up have had no indication given to them by him that boorish behaviour is unacceptable. Thankfully Hussey seems to be able to conduct himself with decorum, despite seeming slightly manic in all his actions. But Ponting's legacy will sadly take quite a few years to breed out.
He just is.

As for my dislike of Midge, that has a slightly different and less logical basis. It involves a Men of Cricket calendar, a crush, and someone I know rating him above AB de Villiers in sex appeal. I mean, the guy has hedges for eyebrows. How could you possibly be attracted to him over AB?

Swanny gets 50 wickets

2009-12-30T14:23:00.001+11:00

My man Graeme Swann (well, after Ceci and Mel have finished with him) has made a little bit of history, by becoming the first English spinner to take 50 wickets in a calendar year. The highest previously, or so I am told, was Jim Laker with 48 (in fewer matches, admittedly). He's trusted with a pretty new ball, given the fields that he wants and does the job for Straussy pretty much every time. And he's got some quality batsmen on his list of victims, including Shiv Chanderpaul three times in five matches. If Mitchell Johnson hadn't got undeserved wickets in the Ashes (he really should have offered them exclusively to the fielders for all the rubbish he bowled in that series), Graeme Swann would be at the head of the wicket tally for 2009. In my mind he is.

Admittedly he has a preference for left-handers, but he's still picked up wickets off the righties, including batsmen like Kallis, (P)Ricky, Clarke, Amla, AB, Dravid, VVS, Viru, Sarwan, Bouch and Hadds. Pretty damn good, if you ask me. The Swannster had better keep this up and not go the way of the Mont-ster, though. Or I will be one miserable little chicken come next Australian summer.

JHK's Off Stump: In Memorium

2009-12-30T14:09:00.002+11:00

Oh, formerly upstanding spike of wood, you were steadfast - at least for a short while. Four balls, in fact. Cruelly cut down by a bolt from fairyland, you will forever reside in our memories.

Requiescat In Pace.

A letter to Stuart Broad

2009-12-30T14:00:00.003+11:00

Dear Ms Broad,

I am writing to you in my capacity as England well-wisher and Powerful-Influencer-of-the-Game-that-is-Cricket. I watched your spell at Kingsmead in Durban last night, and I would firstly like to congratulate you on an excellent display of seam- and reverse swing-bowling. Your three wickets were truly wonderful, despite the fact that you dismissed my hero AB de Villiers for a single-figure score.

I can forgive you that, however, if you listen to a little piece of advice. That feeling you had when bowling those balls, the way your body moved, the way you held the ball, the line, the length - can you remember how that felt? Now, having remembered it, associate that feeling with the one of jubilation at being on a hattrick. Are those two firmly linked now? Good. Now do not bowl anything else ever again. Forget the short stuff, Onions is in charge of that. No point in getting wickets now if you're not getting them in about a year's time when the Ashes is up for grabs. Stuart, darling, England play a game in my home town of Sydney, and if you do not perform, I will be there to deal out punishment as I see fit. And I'm a sadist.

Also, try to let Swann get another three wickets for his 10 tomorrow. He deserves it, and he provides much more entertaining and cliche-free post-match interviews. Just ask him to buy you another Barbie doll out of the prizemoney, and remember if he doesn't win, it will be Bell. None of us want that.

Yours maternally,

MG
England Well-wisher, Powerful-Influencer-of-the-Game-that-is-Cricket and Third-Biggest-Fan-of-Graeme-Swann

Some boring batting and some very exciting statistics

2009-12-29T12:16:00.002+11:00

I woke up late this morning. Lack of food and lack of sleep (due to watching England's tour of South Africa up until the tea break) have conspired to 11AM risings of late. Anyway, I woke up and turned on the radio. Within a few minutes, Australia were in the middle of a second-innings collapse. Not unexpected. Mohammed Aamer is showing once again that if you're quick and move the ball (either off the seam or in the air), you get Australian wickets, just as Onions and Anderson did in the Ashes. He's a zippy young bloke, this Aamer. He and Umar might as well go form their own team, the rest are pretty useless.

Watson is currently in the 90s. If he gets a century opening the batting, something is seriously wrong with cricket. Actually, I already know there is. England are 386/5 overnight against South Africa. Alastair Cook has a century, the third in his last 45 innings, and the South African viewers haven't yet recovered from the comatose state they lapsed into while he batted. Worse still, Ian Bell is not-out 55. Now, cricket could only become more ill if Bell gets to a century, although it will keep intact his record of not getting a century in games where no other teammate has scored a century. But Bell's scored 5 fours and a six. How? How did they let him? Is this just a clever plot by Smith to get the England selectors to pick Ian Bell for the rest of the series?

Meanwhile, I'd like to point out some statistics. In 2009, Graeme Swann averaged 47.77 with the bat at a strike rate of 83.98. He also claimed 49 wickets at an average of 29.67. Now, that's a pretty good performance for someone who fronts a band and is the most entertaining thing on Twitter (making even the great Stephen Fry seem humourless). I'd also like to bring your attention to the fact that in a list of batsmen who have played 20 innings or more in the last 10 years (with games against minnows filtered out) away from home, AB de Villiers has the second best average, behind only the great Andy Flower. My heroes have feet of gold.

Oops

2009-12-28T12:29:00.002+11:00

Ponting drops Misbah. Drops a sitter. I laugh.

In defence of AB

2009-12-28T12:09:00.001+11:00

I'd just like to state here and now that it was in no way AB's fault that Graeme Smith was run out the other day. AB saw a single - a quick one, admittedly - and knew he could get down the other end if he dashed. The only reason that there was a run-out was that someone was unfit. As I said, not AB's fault at all.

On the other Boxing Day Test run-out, Katich is technically to blame for sending the wrong signals then being utterly selfish by refusing to leave his crease (although one could say that he was kindly putting Watson out of his misery). However, I'd like to blame Shane Watson for this one as well, because I can't stand him. And because there is a huge bias toward dumb blond baby-faces in Australian cricket.

That time of the year

2009-12-24T11:46:00.000+11:00

The most important day on the calendar is almost here. Christmas? Bah humbug! I'm talking Boxing Day - which plays host to the first day of first Test between Pakistan and Australia, and the first day of the second Test between England and South Africa. Two days from now, the only place I'll want to be more than the MCG is Durban.

Chris Gayle has suggested that Ricky Ponting should be bounced out by Pakistan. Unfortunately, when most bowling attacks try this, all that ends up happening is that Ricky pulls and hooks his way to a century and I have to put up with watching the celebration (or turn off the TV). Melbourne is Ricky's favourite ground - I think everyone knows that now, thanks to the Channel 9 commentary team drilling it slowly into our brains like a form of Chinese water torture. And frankly, without Akhtar, and on a pitch that is not the WACA, Pakistan should really be aiming to play to their own strengths. However, if Ponting manages to get fit for this game, it would be nice to see him get hit once or twice.

I do think, though, that they should shake up Phil Hughes if Ponting doesn't pass fit for the next Test. Short and at the body is the way to go with the banana boy. I should probably let you know now that I don't rate Hughes at all, and didn't from the first. However, he did just score a century in Shield cricket, against a fearsome Victorian attack lead by...Andrew Macdonald. Sorry, the only thing dangerous about Ronald is his hair, which might ignite at any moment and set the dressing-room on fire.

Meanwhile, over in the land of the braai, Nelson Mandela and the closest-knit team in world cricket, England are looking to develop a patent on the heartstopping draw. They can't just manage this sort of thing in a nice, calm, boring way, can they? No, they have to ensure they make the headlines by pushing themselves to the brink of a crushing defeat and getting Paul Collingwood and *insert name of tail-ender* to pull them back. This is obviously a cunning plan by that Professor of Cunning Andrew Strauss. They look like they might lose a series, so what does Prof Strauss do? He manufactures a batting collapse (assisted by Sir Kevin) and gets Collingwood (who has no titles but does have an MBE) to set up a morale-boosting victory, thus securing a certain series win from game one.

Oh, and AB took an awesome catch at slip in that last match - springing far to the left, diving low and forward and snaffling a ball of Trott's gloves just before it hit the ground. It's the little things in life that makes one happy.

Test cricket is alive and slapping

2009-12-18T22:09:00.005+11:00

The ascendancy in this Test match has been bouncing around like an old WACA wicket. Yesterday we thought we'd seen a bit of a good innings with Haddin's knock - until Chris Gayle decided to remind the world that Sehwag wasn't the only free-hitting opener in the world and slapped the Aussie bowling. Midge is used to this kind of treatment though - I'm sure he gets it all the time from Black Belt Bratich.

Gayle wasn't the only one doing a bit of slapping yesterday. Haddin, Midge and Benn got themselves into a bitch-fight with lots of big talk and bat-pointing. Good. An incident like this might be just what revives the vicious streak in West Indies cricket and, despite my dislike for this sort of behaviour on a cricket pitch usually, this time it might just be beneficial to the game.

Seriously, though, this match has had everything. Vicious fast bowling from Kemar Roach that forced Ponting to retire hurt (ha ha HA!), Gayle's blitzing hundred, THAT hit onto the the roof of the Lillee-Marsh stand, a typical West Indian collapse today, what is now becoming a typical Australian collapse today, Ponting trying to do a Captain Courageous a la Graeme Smith (but not realising that broken hands carry considerably more points than sore elbows) and the possibility of a fascinating last two days with a chase for the West Indies that will be difficult but is by no means unattainable.

One thing that Australian viewers have to put up with, though, are the Swisse vitamin ads. They have drifted between the vaguely silly (Ponting hitting ten year olds around the park) to the incredibly dull (Ponting talking). I mean, what is it with these latest ones? The background is grey, his shirt is grey, his trousers are grey - they sure wanted to spice these ads up a bit! Not only that, one of the featured products is Swisse Hair Nails Skin. Now, I haven't really had the stomach to check out Ricky P's nails or skin, but he sure has plenty of hair - although not necessarily in the place where it's most wanted. Put it this way, he might need to use Head and Shoulders Shampoo for a bit more than just his head and shoulders...

But, as they say, a picture's worth a thousand words:

WATCH IT, RICKY, WARNIE'S LOOKING FOR DONATIONS

Hmmm. Seems like I've already broken my self-imposed embargo on Ricky Ponting photos.

CricPics Part III

2009-12-10T22:35:00.001+11:00

The only photo of Ricky Ponting I will ever post. Unless the next one's really really funny.

FUNNY, WHILE PUNTER WAS CRYING, I WAS LAUGHING. CONCIDENCE?

Ah, we must cherish the good moments...

I really want to read Graeme Smith's latest book

2009-12-10T22:24:00.002+11:00

Now, there is a small chance (if you haven't been long in the world of cricket blogging) that you may have missed a major subtheme to watching any match involving South Africa. That is, the love between AB de Villiers and Paul Harris. We all know they play for the same domestic team and seem to be rather chummy. So are many other players. But there is something about this particular relationship that makes it special.

The late, great Amy S, who tragically passed away this year, was the first to make it known to the cricket-blog-reading public (the first to introduce it to blog-watchers in general was the Gay Sports Blog) and I enjoyed her pieces on the subject immensely. But for me it started before that. It started with a picture:

MARRY ME, AB! WHEN IT GETS LEGALISED

And developed into an obsession. As I stated on a previous post, I have a large collection of photos (around 40) of AB with Harris and various other guys expressing some deep and passionate feelings. Ok, some of them are completely my imagination. Others are pretty damn obvious.

However, this is not all hot air, smoke and rumour. Today, while randomly trawling AB's website, I discovered a comment on his fanmail page, dated August 23, 2009:

"HI AB 1 more month to go- Yippee!!! Just finished reading Graeme's book. You seem to be quite the prankster! My favourite is where you hide under Paul Harris's bed with the remote!! Hope the training is going well (<: "

He hid under Paul Harris' bed? And Graeme Smith has confirmed this? I really gotta buy Smitteh's book - details are desperately needed!

PS: I know, I know, Harro's married. But hey, I'm allowed my crazy theories - and besides, it could be totally one-sided!

CricPics Part II

2009-12-10T14:22:00.003+11:00

Yes, yes, actually Part III. I'm not going to mention this again...

Out of the vault (which incidentally is entitled AB Loves Men because that's what the majority of its contents depict). Siddle and Huss looking like they belong on the cover of a cheesy soap opera season DVD. Probably not the Bold and the Beautiful though, because I sure can't see any beauty in this pic, especially as the batsman with his back to us is not AB. Anyway, in the tradition of Bennifer, Branjelina, TomKat and other famous pairings, I've decided to title this relationship Suss (Siddle + Huss, geddit?). I hope I haven't doomed it, this one might be quite fun.

SOMETHING RATHER MELODRAMATIC AND PASSIONATE, MAYBE

CricPics Part I

2009-12-10T13:59:00.005+11:00

Well, really Part II after the Stuart Stargirl pic, but this is the first official one. And there'll be plenty more, because pics are easier than words. 1:1000 is the ratio, I believe.

Spotted it when trawling the net and thought it deserved a thought bubble.

"I'M A BIT PISSED OFF AT THE MOMENT"

The end of an era...

2009-12-09T01:53:00.000+11:00

... of Fat Kallis jokes. What can one do now that he's not really fat anymore? Switch back to the old comments about how boring his batting is? He's not even that slow anymore. Looks like it's time to go back to pointing out how boring he himself is. That will never change.

And just to set the record straight, despite him being boring, formerly unfit and formerly soporiphic batsman (not to mention world class minnow-basher), I really do like Jacques. It's just that he was such an easy target for cheap lulz.

WIndies shove it right back at Australia, thanks to Bob Marley

2009-12-09T01:36:00.001+11:00

Well, if you were relying upon my blog as your only source of news, you might have missed the small event of an innings defeat for the West Indies at the Gabba. I try not to mention those sorts of things. However, I am back blogging like the fairweather blogger I am now that the WIndies have redeemed themselves and nearly pulled off a win in Adelaide.

Now they're off to Perth. Australia have not had the best of times westward in recent years, and a bowler like Roach could seriously test them. Sheesh, he's fast - one of the few good things to come out of the WICB/WIPA spat.

But what really made this match for me was the little things. Like Ponting throwing away two referrals on marginal decisions. Like Bollinger losing it and ending up in my black book (and I dare say Asad Rauf's) after Ricky had wasted them. Like Ravi Rampaul's batting (can't see him staying at ten or eleven for too long). And best of all, Ricky getting out for two pretty poor scores, showing that even if he does get a start, he's vulnerable. It's a nice thing to know.

What wasn't so nice to know was the possibility that Hauritz is a little cheat. Sorry, but I saw not one shred of evidence that he got anywhere near that ball, with any part of his anatomy. This is somewhat sad, I was beginning to really like Haury and didn't want him to end up in the little black book, alongside teammates Ponting, Bollinger, Haddin and Katich. I mean, the only thing worse than my little black book, is my little pink book. The one with Shane Watson's name on page one.

And the Bob Marley reference? Redemption Song, of course!

Why women should not be allowed to vote...

2009-11-25T12:23:00.003+11:00

...at least while a hot guy is on the list of candidates.

Cricinfo are currently deciding on the South African All Time XI. There is a panel of judges (none of them female) which will make the final decision, but we knowledgeable commoners also have a chance to vote for who we believe should make the team.

At the moment, the focus is the middle order, and the options are Jacques Kallis, Daryl Cullinan, Dudley Nourse, Graeme Pollock, Herbie Taylor and AB de Villiers. Now, I go off to vote with perfectly legitimate intentions. Reading down the list I give a big TICK to Kallis and a big TICK to Pollock. And this is where my reason deserts me and female instinct overtakes. I see the photo of AB de Villiers. Not just any photo, but one in which he looks particularly gorgeous. I can't not vote for him! Even though he probably has no place at all in an all-time XI at this moment, I know who my third vote is going to.

And if some politicians are good-looking then women shouldn't vote, for the sake of democracy and the country. Luckily, in Australia, politicians are as ugly as vogons, or very very old.

Back to the cricket

2009-11-25T12:12:00.003+11:00

Well, I didn't bother mentioning the series currently underway between Pakistan and New Zealand in my last post because I thought it would be, well, boring. Two rather lacklustre teams playing each other, both of which can be disastrously bad on their day. Much more interest could be taken from the Indian series against Sri Lanka.

How wrong was I? The series in India has so far played out as a borefest. Getting runs seems to be easier than catching sardines in a tin, and after the first day India are well-placed at 417/2. Well-placed to score over 700, followed by Sri Lanka scoring about 700 too and the match being drawn half way into the third innings. That's the way Tests seem to play out in India and Pakistan these days. The groundsmen should be castrated.

However, over with our close neighbours in New Zealand, a teetering struggle is occurring. Which team can capitulate more? Only time will tell - currently New Zealand aren't doing a very good job of capitulating. They've managed to score 374 for 7 wickets in the first innings, despite some serious bounce and carry in the pitch that had Brendon McCullum and Daniel Vettori hopping like rabbits all morning as they reached respective half-centuries. The hottest man in New Zealand unfortunately lost his wicket in the over before lunch, castled by Umar Gul, but Dan the Man is still there, ready to save the day, dry his hands and prepare to bowl Pakistan out for under 300 with his hitherto unknown pace bowling skills. He can do anything, Dan.

A BIG Celebration...

2009-11-19T17:41:00.007+11:00

...for the return of Test cricket. As I write, the Jayawardenes are pulverising the Indian bowlers in a very slow, methodical manner (kind of like Chinese water torture) in what might not be the best advert for the format. I'm talking 711/5 and no sign of relenting.

Meanwhile, rather ominously, the West Indies are looking rather z-grade against Queensland, who have an 100+ lead with 6 wickets in hand in the first innings. All I hope is that the boys from the Caribbean have massive hangovers and this is the sole reason for the dreadful performance. If not, maybe hangovers should be on the cards - they could hardly get worse, could they?

Things are also heating up in South Africa, with the one-dayers against England scheduled to start VERY SOON (yes, I know, I haven't checked the calendar for the exact date). For me, this means a gawpfest thanks to the double-billing of Graeme Swann and AB de Villiers. For everyone else, the series will involve watching a weakened England being clubbed to death by the Saffas. Unless some of their very own Saffas to pull off a miracle. Failing that, Swanny could save the day.

But all this was the introduction (wakey wakey!). The ACTUAL BIG CELEBRATION is a little one of my own. A celebration of oversized animals around the world. Below is an interesting selection (but by no means are they all represented - maybe this could be continued later?)

Disclaimer: most info comes from Wikipedia. I'm too tired to research properly, but if it's dodgy, please tell me :)

Siberian tiger | at up to 3.3m long and 1.1m high at the shoulder, the Siberian tiger is the largest member of the cat family (lion fans, shut up). However, who said massive, ferocious carnivores couldn't have cute babies? Or be maternal?
Giant squid | until someone finds a complete un-shrunken specimen of the Colossal squid, this fellow remains the king of the invertebrates by length, although not by weight.
Whale shark | the biggest shark, the biggest fish, and completely harmless. Like a gigantic baby really, with its gummy mouth and blubber.
Blue whale | yeah, you know that.
Giant golden-crowned flying fox | ok, you probably didn't know about this flapper - it has a wingspan of up to 1.8m. Not sure I want to go into any caves in the Philippines anytime soon.
Japanese spider-crab | another pretty well-known one, it has a maximum legspan of 4m and has been reported feeding of drowning seafarers, although it is also reportedly quite docile. All these conflicting reports...
Japanese giant salamander | not officially the largest salamander (that belongs to China) but the one boasting the largest recent specimens. This thing reaches up to 1.5m in length including tail, is aggressively territorial, nocturnal and haunts storm water drains. Kind of like a bunyip, I guess.
Southern elephant seal | while everyone gets excited about lions, tigers and bears, the largest carnivorous mammal is actually this bloke. The bull grows up to 6.9m in length - that's 2m longer than a car - and they're very territorial among themselves, although fights are rarely fatal.
Ocean sunfish | the heaviest bony fish, this one grows up to 3.3m in length and 4.5m in height and likes sunbathing.
Fish tapeworm | enough to put you off your sushi, this one. Grows to 20m in length in your intestines and lays up to 1 million eggs per day. They are transferred to humans through raw or undercooked fish.
Giant ribbon worm | this one thankfully doesn't live inside us - it's been reported up to 55m long but is usually anywhere between 5mm and 30m in length.
North Pacific giant octopus | not as big as the largest squids but in my mind more frightening (because octopuses just ARE) with a tentacle span of 7m.
Oarfish | believed to be the source of many sea serpent tales, this is the longest bony fish, growing to a length of up to 11m. However, it has no teeth, unlike the significantly shorter (but much more fearsome) giant moray eel.
Tarantula hawk | tiny compared with the rest of our friends listed here, but massive for a wasp, this grows up to 5cm long and eats tarantulas. Its sting is reputedly one of the most painful from an insect. Badass!

Okay, kids. Zoology lesson's over. Back to the cricket, where Sri Lanka have declared.

Anglo-Saxon is not a three-word language

2009-11-04T20:39:00.005+11:00

Many apologies for not posting for a little while. It's been what uni students call "that end of semester", with assignments due and all.

As there's been no cricket of late (did someone mention Champion's League? no, surely not, because THAT IS JUST NOT CRICKET) I went and re-read the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. Not having yet had my fill of Middle-Earth, I re-watched the Peter Jackson trilogy - Extended Edition, of course. Then the commentaries of the Extended Editions.

Wanting even more of Frodo & Company, I decided to dig up the old BBC Radio dramatisation, which I'm not sure I enjoyed as much as I did the first time round (but it's still really good, so listen if you haven't) although Bill Nighy was an amazing Sam.

By now, LoTR had become a bit of a drug, so off I went to re-watch the Ralph Bakshi animated version from 1978 - and laughed. I'd forgotten how dreadful some bits were. The butterfly-lion Balrog with the fluffy bedroom slippers, for example. Or Samwise the Stupid and Incredibly Ugly. Not to mention Legolas the boy/girl/rabbit - I can't see any fangrrl crushes happening there. However, 10 points to Bakshi for the Nazgul, they were some of the creepiest things I've seen in an animated film. Even if the Flight to the Ford did play out as a trippy lightshow.

However, I then made the grave mistake of digging further (please excuse the appalling pun). I watched the Rankin/Bass version of The Return of the King. Now, I enjoyed their Hobbit. However, crappy songs and script plus a freaky-looking Pippin was just too much. My inner-orc felt violated.

Not, however, as violated when it read the screenplay outline for John Boorman's version. All I can say is thank Eru he didn't have the money to produce it. Galadriel seducing Frodo? Gandalf orchestrating a violent rebirth for Gimli outside the Gates of Moria? Aragorn 'healing' Eowyn by having sex with her on the battlefield? Mystic teen Arwen operating on Frodo with a hot knife to get the Morgul blade's shard out? These are the worst points, but there are more. Oh yes, precioussss, there are more. Forget rolling in his grave, Tolkien would have become a wight, left his barrow and pursued Boorman to the end of the earth. The dead followed, indeed!

So, after getting extensive counselling to recover from this unpleasant discovery, I decided I needed a new hobby (as if I don't have enough) to keep my mind off the visuals Boorman had conjured in my brain. To keep in the spirit of things, I thought it might be a good idea to teach myself Anglo-Saxon. So far, it's going pretty well - I'm re-reading the bilingual edition of Seamus Heaney's rendition of Beowulf, but this time not allowing myself to check the Modern English version until I get really stuck (ie. every fifth line). It's surprising how different the translation is from the original, however. Much as I like Heaney's version, the alliteration and use of synonyms by the original poet is mindblowing.

People (my mum, for example) get this impression that Anglo-Saxon is a simple language made up of a few single-syllable words (or grunts) and not really good at expressing anything complex. This is ridiculously untrue. Through use of an admittedly limited selection of root words and a range of prefixes and suffixes, composite words are created that can pretty much convey anything. Anyway, as you can see, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself and neglecting my blog.

Next post should be all about why so-called Tolkien purists are actually completely missing the point. That is, unless the cricket has revived by then. Wæs hal!

Exclusive poll result, and booklust.

2009-10-07T19:04:00.012+11:00

Firstly, the poll.

80% of people believe that Ricky Ponting should be attacked by Gollum. Read into that what you will.

But what I read into it is an unhealthy obsession with a particularly enigmatic Lord of the Rings character. I'm talking about myself as well, and you really don't want to be put in my basket, because I want a hooded cloak and a licence to wander around calling myself Aragorn. Not to mention my general book obsession which has left me in the position of having too many books and not enough shelf, and yet I still keep buying them.

Today, for example, I bought: Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Iwain and Gawain and Tolkien's Unfinished Tales. They're to be added to my already substantial collection which includes various tellings of Arthurian legends (from Anonymous to Alfred, Lord Tennyson), Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, the rest of Tolkien's works, various modern fantasy (of which I'll be reviewing the latest addition in my next post) and a whole heap of classical literature.

Next on my list for collecting is various mentions of Robin Hood (from Piers Plowman to Sir Walter Scott), a medieval bestiary and as old a chemistry book I can find (preferably ancient and suspiciously stained with blood and that may or may not have at one point been borrowed by a Dr Frankenstein). You can see a pattern.

Anyway, all I'm saying is BE WARNED. You start with a poll and a mild interest in Lord of the Rings. You end up like me. And no, that is NOT a good thing.

Good night!

PS: See how I've carefully avoided mentioning a certain cricket trophy that may have resulted in victory for a certain Antipodean team that was not New Zealand.

Bugger.

2009-10-01T23:55:00.005+10:00

Australia snuck through to the semifinals like a schoolboy into an R rated film showing, thus knocking India out of the tournament. Set a rather pathetic total of 205 by Pakistan, they started their chase comfortably, thanks to the top order. However, the combined power of Pakistani and Indian supporters morphed the middle order into jelly, making them play like the West Indies Z team, or England on a bad day. Once again, they were befuddled by offspin and the chase came down to the last ball (although they had drawn level with a single off the second-last). However, Binga Lee and Haury (new breakfast radio show coming up?) managed to keep their heads and seal victory.

Australia now face England in the semi-final, and as far as Graeme Swann and I remember, the Poms smashed them in the last meeting between these two teams. We won't remember any further back, unless it's all the way back to 2007, when England defeated Australia 2-0 in the finals of the CB series. Or to 2004, when England brushed past Australia in the Champions Trophy semi-final. On evidence of all that, we know who should be the favourites! However, lots of bookmakers have decided to go in for charity and are offering juicy odds.

India, on the other hand, have discovered that DIY is not that crash hot, and doesn't really improve performance. I never thought it would - how could a suggestion that it would take a few hours and a fair few drinks to pick up a girl in a Johannesburg bar (or indeed any bar) possibly boost testosterone levels? This kind of implication doesn't just crush egos, it crushes a few other things too.

Meanwhile, New Zealand have slipped under the radar (yet again) by overachieving in a typically Kiwi way and not just getting into the semi-finals, but topping their group. Admittedly they were gifted a win through a collaboration of the pitch and the coin in their match against England, but it has set up a mouthwatering contest with Pakistan, and the possibility of a trans-Tasman final, although not if I get my way. Which I usually do.

Of superheroes, surgery, Strauss and Sri Lanka

2009-09-28T12:30:00.006+10:00

It has become obvious to my eyes that a few of the England players have been spending some time in telephone booths, and not in the process of following Gary Kirsten's instructions (although this would explain the sudden turn-around). What I am trying to say is, while New Zealand have one superhero in Dan the Man, England seemed to have just transformed a few of their own.

Take, for example, the efforts last night of Jimmehnaut in being the only really economical bowler on the night, and taking three wickets to boot, not to mention his fantastic figures in the previous game. Or the six sixes and nearly-century by Supershah. What about Mr Incredicolly's all-round superness in England's matches so far? Or Mog the Merciless's powerhitting? Graeme Swann has been a superhero for a while, as Ceci and Mel can attest. They have photographic evidence.

What's next, Stargirl?

Meanwhile, the delicate and rather unsightly lancing and draining of Bopara's ego continues.

Ultimately, the Real Man of the Match award goes to Andrew Strauss, for pulling the biggest ruse of all time. There was Smitteh, Captain Courageous, thinking "Hey, I don't need to drink sports drinks, it'll be fine, when I cramp up I can just call out AB as a runner and he's ten times faster than me" not even stopping to question whether Strauss would allow him assistance. I mean, this was the guy who called back a batsman after a pretty legit run out, wasn't it?

And this is where Smith fell for Strauss' cunning plan. The magnanimosity of the last match disappears faster than Dave Warner's hype in the face of England's sworn enemy. AB is sent back to the pavilion. Smith struggles and South Africa are out of the tournament, mercifully saved from choking in the semi-finals. KP sends a congratulatory text message to his captain.

Back at the Wanderers, New Zealand (or rather Ryder, Guptill and Dan the Man) decided that they actually didn't have that bad a line-up after all and could probably post a fair total. Which they did. They then almost managed to lose the match through Shane Bond and Kyle Mills, before Dan the Man once again rescued them. New Zealand are now facing a sudden death match against England (sudden death only for the Kiwis) while all Sri Lanka can do is wait, watch and hope that the England players don't leave their capes at the hotel.

Hodge's evil plan

2009-09-27T16:07:00.003+10:00

From Cricinfo's commentary of the match between Australia and the West Indies:

Brad from Australia clearly jinxed Hussey. "Hussey for a century," he sent in a minute before the wicket.

Hussey was out for 6. Very clever.

Australia struggle and Pakistan win

2009-09-27T12:53:00.001+10:00

Alright, Australia won too, but they did struggle. Against a bunch of part-timers. Had Johnson not got those runs at the end they probably would have lost. Why did it have to be Johnson? Now I'm going to have to put up with another few months of hearing how wonderful he is, as everyone forgets the pretty horrible performance he put in in the Ashes with bat and ball. He pretty much lost Australia the urn that first morning at Lords. Not that I'm complaining, mind!

The party was good, as you can tell by the time of this post. I did however get up quite a bit earlier, and had a big sausage breakfast that may or may not have been a good idea. I still have a fluorescent yellow earring drawn in highlighter (which suited my pirate's hat, I must say) and a fluorescent pink anchor texta tattoo on my arm. The latter I drew myself, and it kind of looks like what His Tattooedness Brendon McCullum would get if he were raising money for breast cancer.

Alright, to business. Pakistan beat India, which means all my Pakistani friends are posting very happy Facebook messages about it, and all my Indian friends have either mysteriously not posted since pre-match or are determinedly discussing something completely different and quite irrelevant. Dravid did what he does best and scored at well below the required rate for a long long time. Walls are not very useful in high-scoring ODIs, methinks. Everyone's going on about Ishant, but he's the only one who went for less than five an over and he snared a couple as well. Malik scored a hundred; I almost died of shock.

Melbourne Storm beat the Broncos in the preliminary final last night. Did I write beat? I meant pwned! 40-10 scoreline. Nice neat numbers, and just the result I wanted. Not only that, but the Cats won the AFL grand final. So a good week, all in all.

Man made God in his own image

2009-09-26T17:41:00.002+10:00

Well, just a quick post before I leave for a party.

The title has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I thought the line was kinda cool. England beat Sri Lanka last night, which was a big shock, but rather welcome. Unfortunately, my favourite Graeme didn't get any wickets, but a win is a win nevertheless and it has made Group B so much more exciting. Nice sportsmanship by Straussy too - good to see that these things haven't entirely disappeared from the game. Must say though, I would have been waving Mathews on his way if I were captain!

Group A has a thriller tonight that I'm sadly going to miss, and I'm not talking about the Australia vs West Indies game. I'm predicting Pakistan to win, but only narrowly. Although, they could of course pull off a spectacular choke as they have been known to do. Don't really mind either way, as long as both team's beat Australia.

Bought Malory's Morte D'Arthur and a big dictionary of mythology today. I'm looking forward to tucking into those tomorrow afternoon, and will report on anything interesting I find. Meanwhile, I've been reading excerpts of Pliny the Elder's Natural History. I'm not sure I'll take his advice on lions - that if you plead with them and bow down to them, they'll leave you alone - this is after all the man who died because he wanted to witness a volcanic eruption. And he had no objection to lovely Roman lead pipes. He also seemed to find pretty much no satisfaction in sex, and thus would be thoroughly unamused by Gary Kirsten's suggestions to the Indian cricket team. More on that later.

Cheerio!

Introduction

2009-09-23T18:50:00.001+10:00

Hello and welcome to my blog.

As the title suggests, this is a cricket blog. However, as I have a whole range of interests of which I wish to bore you with the details, there will be plenty else on here. So I'll probably get round to discussing music, philosophy, other sports, art and current affairs.

I'm hoping to have a weekly routine but I'm sure I'll never stick to it, so I might as well not bother writing one up and save my time. Hey, I'm not even sure if I'll post again! Anyway, this should be fun and I'll try my best.

Cheers,
Meiko