Dear Ms Broad,
I am writing to you in my capacity as England well-wisher and Powerful-Influencer-of-the-Game-that-is-Cricket. I watched your spell at Kingsmead in Durban last night, and I would firstly like to congratulate you on an excellent display of seam- and reverse swing-bowling. Your three wickets were truly wonderful, despite the fact that you dismissed my hero AB de Villiers for a single-figure score.
I can forgive you that, however, if you listen to a little piece of advice. That feeling you had when bowling those balls, the way your body moved, the way you held the ball, the line, the length - can you remember how that felt? Now, having remembered it, associate that feeling with the one of jubilation at being on a hattrick. Are those two firmly linked now? Good. Now do not bowl anything else ever again. Forget the short stuff, Onions is in charge of that. No point in getting wickets now if you're not getting them in about a year's time when the Ashes is up for grabs. Stuart, darling, England play a game in my home town of Sydney, and if you do not perform, I will be there to deal out punishment as I see fit. And I'm a sadist.
Also, try to let Swann get another three wickets for his 10 tomorrow. He deserves it, and he provides much more entertaining and cliche-free post-match interviews. Just ask him to buy you another Barbie doll out of the prizemoney, and remember if he doesn't win, it will be Bell. None of us want that.
England Well-wisher, Powerful-Influencer-of-the-Game-that-is-Cricket and Third-Biggest-Fan-of-Graeme-Swann