A few notes, post Tea

1. Johnson’s wayward legside deliveries are faster than Hilfenhaus’ wayward legside deliveries.
2. After Johnson finally managed to bowl a ball that could be reached by the bat (and that didn’t go to the boundary) Clarke clapped for an inordinate length of time, like an ignoramus during a brief pause in Sonata Pathetique.
3. VB is too dreadful to tempt even me.
4. One Indian mynah should be fined for multiple pitch invasions.
5. There are pigeons at the ground, so I’m glad I’m not listening to Henry Blofeld.
6. There is a slight delay between sights and sounds on the cricket pitch, making it look like a badly-dubbed movie.
7. Drinks breaks are a lot faster live.
8. Flying bails only look beautiful when the ball is bowled by my team.

(Strauss was just bowled for 60, by the way.)

Pre-Tea report, Day 2 at the SCG

I’m writing this at the SCG – although I won’t be able to post it until I get home as I have no internet access – and tea has just been called. What an excellent day of cricket watching so far! Watching Jimmy running in with the new ball (Aah! That’s Jimmy Anderson about 120m away from me!), Bell diving in the field and Straussy clobbering the Australian attack around the park is a wonderful way to spend the New Year. The morning rain that was promised has failed to deliver, I’m sitting in the Churchill stand close on as straight as I can get (around about straightish long-off to the right-hander) and I’m comfortable in the knowledge that England have already secured the Ashes.

Strauss has gone to tea on 49, an innings which has so far included a magnificent pull for six and (in my opinion) and even better shot – the straightest of straight drives for four. Cook has accumulated and shouldered arms at the other end, playing a steady second fiddle to Strauss’ flamboyance (never really thought I’d describe his batting as flamboyant).

However, the highlight of the day for me, so far, is when Paul Collingwood cleaned up Hussey’s stumps (admittedly off the bat and the pad). My favourite ginger cricketer just looked so happy, and I’m hoping he gets a hundred here so that if he retires, it will be on a high – or it could rescue his Test career!

There are a few lowlights. Firstly, the partnership between Johnson and Hilfenhaus was allowed to build through Strauss playing to Johnson’s ‘farm-the-strike’ game and Bresnan and Tremlett bowling a few feet too short to induce edges. Second, the woman directing vehicle traffic at the entrance was incredibly rude and in need of a strong sedative (and muffler). Third, the food on offer was so dreadful I couldn’t bring myself to buy any and therefore went without lunch. I also generally get very pissed off with the SCG groundstaff – they take forever, prepare a pretty poor pitch and get all precious over their ground. Also, I’m about as far away from the Barmy Army as possible – although thankfully surrounded by jubiland England fans.

Anyway, 73/0 in reply to 280 and tea is at an end. My phone has run out of batteries so unfortunately I’ll be a bit quiet on the Twitter front (@MeikoElektra) and can’t listen to Test Match Sofa. However, I’m having a brilliant time and wouldn’t be anywhere else for the world!

England are in trouble

And being the sulk I am, I'm seriously considering switching off the radio. Or would be, if Test Match Sofa weren't so entertaining. However, England are in a quagmire at the moment, with Strauss and Pietersen in the sheds (Cook is a free wicket anyway - they'd be better off opening with Jimmy Anderson). Our hopes lie with Trott, Collingwood and Prior, and resistance from the tail to make a decent score. Followed up by brilliant bowling and some helpful conditions. I'm clutching at straws, I know. Anyway, it's given me something to blog about, albeit briefly.

A referral. Pakistan may have Collingwood out LBW. Bother.

Get some close fielders in, Radley

Strauss thinks that he'll somehow get the South Africans out by boring them into mad batting. He obviously has never watched a Jacques Kallis innings. Stop giving them easy singles, Straussy - England need wickets, and fast.

My man AB de Villiers is in at the moment, but I hope he gets out for nothing. England comes first.

My plan for today

After two days of very tight cricket between England and South Africa, the English bowlers did what we've been kinda expecting them to do all series and completely forgot what a good area was. They should ask Shamone Jardin - Kallis showed her exactly where it was down in Melbourne and while she may not have given the impression of being fascinated, she surely would have retained the information better than Jimmy, Broady and the Onions. Thankfully my man Swanny was a threat throughout the day and claimed both South African wickets to fall.

Anyway, where it all leaves us is with South Africa having a massive lead of 330 with only two wickets in the shed, Graeme Smith with an unbeaten century and Jacques Kallis cruising along as he has all series. However, they haven't banked on my powers upsetting their day today because they are foolish enough to not know who I am. I am proposing eight quick wickets in the first hour or so, England coming in to bat on what is a road as soon as the first half of the morning session is over, the South African bowlers all mysteriously coming down with food poisoning during the lunch break and Strauss and Pietersen working their way to getting England a resounding victory on day five.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Andrew Strauss, get a third man in

Right now.

Wow, he did it - just as I wrote it. Says a lot for demands over requests. Therefore I might also say, "England bowlers, get some wickets NOW!"

Let's see if that works...

That time of the year

The most important day on the calendar is almost here. Christmas? Bah humbug! I'm talking Boxing Day - which plays host to the first day of first Test between Pakistan and Australia, and the first day of the second Test between England and South Africa. Two days from now, the only place I'll want to be more than the MCG is Durban.

Chris Gayle has suggested that Ricky Ponting should be bounced out by Pakistan. Unfortunately, when most bowling attacks try this, all that ends up happening is that Ricky pulls and hooks his way to a century and I have to put up with watching the celebration (or turn off the TV). Melbourne is Ricky's favourite ground - I think everyone knows that now, thanks to the Channel 9 commentary team drilling it slowly into our brains like a form of Chinese water torture. And frankly, without Akhtar, and on a pitch that is not the WACA, Pakistan should really be aiming to play to their own strengths. However, if Ponting manages to get fit for this game, it would be nice to see him get hit once or twice.

I do think, though, that they should shake up Phil Hughes if Ponting doesn't pass fit for the next Test. Short and at the body is the way to go with the banana boy. I should probably let you know now that I don't rate Hughes at all, and didn't from the first. However, he did just score a century in Shield cricket, against a fearsome Victorian attack lead by...Andrew Macdonald. Sorry, the only thing dangerous about Ronald is his hair, which might ignite at any moment and set the dressing-room on fire.

Meanwhile, over in the land of the braai, Nelson Mandela and the closest-knit team in world cricket, England are looking to develop a patent on the heartstopping draw. They can't just manage this sort of thing in a nice, calm, boring way, can they? No, they have to ensure they make the headlines by pushing themselves to the brink of a crushing defeat and getting Paul Collingwood and *insert name of tail-ender* to pull them back. This is obviously a cunning plan by that Professor of Cunning Andrew Strauss. They look like they might lose a series, so what does Prof Strauss do? He manufactures a batting collapse (assisted by Sir Kevin) and gets Collingwood (who has no titles but does have an MBE) to set up a morale-boosting victory, thus securing a certain series win from game one.

Oh, and AB took an awesome catch at slip in that last match - springing far to the left, diving low and forward and snaffling a ball of Trott's gloves just before it hit the ground. It's the little things in life that makes one happy.

Of superheroes, surgery, Strauss and Sri Lanka

It has become obvious to my eyes that a few of the England players have been spending some time in telephone booths, and not in the process of following Gary Kirsten's instructions (although this would explain the sudden turn-around). What I am trying to say is, while New Zealand have one superhero in Dan the Man, England seemed to have just transformed a few of their own.

Take, for example, the efforts last night of Jimmehnaut in being the only really economical bowler on the night, and taking three wickets to boot, not to mention his fantastic figures in the previous game. Or the six sixes and nearly-century by Supershah. What about Mr Incredicolly's all-round superness in England's matches so far? Or Mog the Merciless's powerhitting? Graeme Swann has been a superhero for a while, as Ceci and Mel can attest. They have photographic evidence.

What's next, Stargirl?

Meanwhile, the delicate and rather unsightly lancing and draining of Bopara's ego continues.

Ultimately, the Real Man of the Match award goes to Andrew Strauss, for pulling the biggest ruse of all time. There was Smitteh, Captain Courageous, thinking "Hey, I don't need to drink sports drinks, it'll be fine, when I cramp up I can just call out AB as a runner and he's ten times faster than me" not even stopping to question whether Strauss would allow him assistance. I mean, this was the guy who called back a batsman after a pretty legit run out, wasn't it?

And this is where Smith fell for Strauss' cunning plan. The magnanimosity of the last match disappears faster than Dave Warner's hype in the face of England's sworn enemy. AB is sent back to the pavilion. Smith struggles and South Africa are out of the tournament, mercifully saved from choking in the semi-finals. KP sends a congratulatory text message to his captain.

Back at the Wanderers, New Zealand (or rather Ryder, Guptill and Dan the Man) decided that they actually didn't have that bad a line-up after all and could probably post a fair total. Which they did. They then almost managed to lose the match through Shane Bond and Kyle Mills, before Dan the Man once again rescued them. New Zealand are now facing a sudden death match against England (sudden death only for the Kiwis) while all Sri Lanka can do is wait, watch and hope that the England players don't leave their capes at the hotel.

Man made God in his own image

Well, just a quick post before I leave for a party.

The title has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I thought the line was kinda cool. England beat Sri Lanka last night, which was a big shock, but rather welcome. Unfortunately, my favourite Graeme didn't get any wickets, but a win is a win nevertheless and it has made Group B so much more exciting. Nice sportsmanship by Straussy too - good to see that these things haven't entirely disappeared from the game. Must say though, I would have been waving Mathews on his way if I were captain!

Group A has a thriller tonight that I'm sadly going to miss, and I'm not talking about the Australia vs West Indies game. I'm predicting Pakistan to win, but only narrowly. Although, they could of course pull off a spectacular choke as they have been known to do. Don't really mind either way, as long as both team's beat Australia.

Bought Malory's Morte D'Arthur and a big dictionary of mythology today. I'm looking forward to tucking into those tomorrow afternoon, and will report on anything interesting I find. Meanwhile, I've been reading excerpts of Pliny the Elder's Natural History. I'm not sure I'll take his advice on lions - that if you plead with them and bow down to them, they'll leave you alone - this is after all the man who died because he wanted to witness a volcanic eruption. And he had no objection to lovely Roman lead pipes. He also seemed to find pretty much no satisfaction in sex, and thus would be thoroughly unamused by Gary Kirsten's suggestions to the Indian cricket team. More on that later.

Cheerio!