Could you please stop doing this to me? I know you're trying to keep Test cricket alive, and you're doing a great job of it, but you'll run out of fans pretty quickly because we'll all be dead from heart attacks. Does it have to be nine down and Onions or Monty in every time? Can't you keep these performances for special occasions, rather than making them part of your repertoire?
By the way, if I was going to back any man to face the most balls in the innings in trying to eke out a draw, the last man I would have said would be Bell. I would have said Onions over Bell. Even Prior. But Belly it was - 218 balls for 76 runs and he proved that he's not always a completely useless bunny. Collingwood I expected to stick around, it's his role to rescue England from final innings collapses.
And Steyn. WAG. His bowling yesterday was proof that he is indeed the best quick bowler in the world.
Now, off to the Wanderers, and hoping for a nice, comfortable England win or draw. Even a nice, comfortable South African win. Anything but a final day stress-a-thon, please...
Showing posts with label South African cricket team. Show all posts
Showing posts with label South African cricket team. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Get some close fielders in, Radley
Strauss thinks that he'll somehow get the South Africans out by boring them into mad batting. He obviously has never watched a Jacques Kallis innings. Stop giving them easy singles, Straussy - England need wickets, and fast.
My man AB de Villiers is in at the moment, but I hope he gets out for nothing. England comes first.
My man AB de Villiers is in at the moment, but I hope he gets out for nothing. England comes first.
My plan for today
After two days of very tight cricket between England and South Africa, the English bowlers did what we've been kinda expecting them to do all series and completely forgot what a good area was. They should ask Shamone Jardin - Kallis showed her exactly where it was down in Melbourne and while she may not have given the impression of being fascinated, she surely would have retained the information better than Jimmy, Broady and the Onions. Thankfully my man Swanny was a threat throughout the day and claimed both South African wickets to fall.
Anyway, where it all leaves us is with South Africa having a massive lead of 330 with only two wickets in the shed, Graeme Smith with an unbeaten century and Jacques Kallis cruising along as he has all series. However, they haven't banked on my powers upsetting their day today because they are foolish enough to not know who I am. I am proposing eight quick wickets in the first hour or so, England coming in to bat on what is a road as soon as the first half of the morning session is over, the South African bowlers all mysteriously coming down with food poisoning during the lunch break and Strauss and Pietersen working their way to getting England a resounding victory on day five.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Anyway, where it all leaves us is with South Africa having a massive lead of 330 with only two wickets in the shed, Graeme Smith with an unbeaten century and Jacques Kallis cruising along as he has all series. However, they haven't banked on my powers upsetting their day today because they are foolish enough to not know who I am. I am proposing eight quick wickets in the first hour or so, England coming in to bat on what is a road as soon as the first half of the morning session is over, the South African bowlers all mysteriously coming down with food poisoning during the lunch break and Strauss and Pietersen working their way to getting England a resounding victory on day five.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This better bloody go as expected!
On the page, it all looks rosy. Australia are leading Pakistan by a piddly margin of 80 runs on a pitch that is slowing by the hour with only two wickets in hand. I should be guaranteed a sound night's sleep (once I've finished with the match in South Africa at least).
Except for one thing. Michael Hussey. After spending the first part of his career looking like the new Bradman and the second looking like the new Hughes (Philip), Muss seems to have found some balance. He no longer makes bowlers cower at his invincibility, but neither is he the walking wicket of the past few seasons. I am still scarred by his late-wicket partnerships with Stuart Clark and Glenn McGrath, both who defended rather less competently than Siddle can. We must not - I repeat must not - have that kind of thing happen again, or I will cry. Nobody wants me to cry, do they?
Mike Hussey does.
PS. Meanwhile, Daryl Harper has done something completely expected and made a dreadful decision over at Sahara Park. Actually, had it not been for the UDRS (and a successful appeal by Prince) that decision might have sat alongside Steve Bucknor's not-out verdict in Sydney as a decision that sparked a diplomatic incident. Only I don't really think South Africans go in for diplomatic incidents these days. The ball was about as close to the bat as David Warner is to Test cricket.
Except for one thing. Michael Hussey. After spending the first part of his career looking like the new Bradman and the second looking like the new Hughes (Philip), Muss seems to have found some balance. He no longer makes bowlers cower at his invincibility, but neither is he the walking wicket of the past few seasons. I am still scarred by his late-wicket partnerships with Stuart Clark and Glenn McGrath, both who defended rather less competently than Siddle can. We must not - I repeat must not - have that kind of thing happen again, or I will cry. Nobody wants me to cry, do they?
Mike Hussey does.
"I LOVE MAKING THE MG CRY."
PS. Meanwhile, Daryl Harper has done something completely expected and made a dreadful decision over at Sahara Park. Actually, had it not been for the UDRS (and a successful appeal by Prince) that decision might have sat alongside Steve Bucknor's not-out verdict in Sydney as a decision that sparked a diplomatic incident. Only I don't really think South Africans go in for diplomatic incidents these days. The ball was about as close to the bat as David Warner is to Test cricket.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Some boring batting and some very exciting statistics
I woke up late this morning. Lack of food and lack of sleep (due to watching England's tour of South Africa up until the tea break) have conspired to 11AM risings of late. Anyway, I woke up and turned on the radio. Within a few minutes, Australia were in the middle of a second-innings collapse. Not unexpected. Mohammed Aamer is showing once again that if you're quick and move the ball (either off the seam or in the air), you get Australian wickets, just as Onions and Anderson did in the Ashes. He's a zippy young bloke, this Aamer. He and Umar might as well go form their own team, the rest are pretty useless.
Watson is currently in the 90s. If he gets a century opening the batting, something is seriously wrong with cricket. Actually, I already know there is. England are 386/5 overnight against South Africa. Alastair Cook has a century, the third in his last 45 innings, and the South African viewers haven't yet recovered from the comatose state they lapsed into while he batted. Worse still, Ian Bell is not-out 55. Now, cricket could only become more ill if Bell gets to a century, although it will keep intact his record of not getting a century in games where no other teammate has scored a century. But Bell's scored 5 fours and a six. How? How did they let him? Is this just a clever plot by Smith to get the England selectors to pick Ian Bell for the rest of the series?
Meanwhile, I'd like to point out some statistics. In 2009, Graeme Swann averaged 47.77 with the bat at a strike rate of 83.98. He also claimed 49 wickets at an average of 29.67. Now, that's a pretty good performance for someone who fronts a band and is the most entertaining thing on Twitter (making even the great Stephen Fry seem humourless). I'd also like to bring your attention to the fact that in a list of batsmen who have played 20 innings or more in the last 10 years (with games against minnows filtered out) away from home, AB de Villiers has the second best average, behind only the great Andy Flower. My heroes have feet of gold.
Watson is currently in the 90s. If he gets a century opening the batting, something is seriously wrong with cricket. Actually, I already know there is. England are 386/5 overnight against South Africa. Alastair Cook has a century, the third in his last 45 innings, and the South African viewers haven't yet recovered from the comatose state they lapsed into while he batted. Worse still, Ian Bell is not-out 55. Now, cricket could only become more ill if Bell gets to a century, although it will keep intact his record of not getting a century in games where no other teammate has scored a century. But Bell's scored 5 fours and a six. How? How did they let him? Is this just a clever plot by Smith to get the England selectors to pick Ian Bell for the rest of the series?
Meanwhile, I'd like to point out some statistics. In 2009, Graeme Swann averaged 47.77 with the bat at a strike rate of 83.98. He also claimed 49 wickets at an average of 29.67. Now, that's a pretty good performance for someone who fronts a band and is the most entertaining thing on Twitter (making even the great Stephen Fry seem humourless). I'd also like to bring your attention to the fact that in a list of batsmen who have played 20 innings or more in the last 10 years (with games against minnows filtered out) away from home, AB de Villiers has the second best average, behind only the great Andy Flower. My heroes have feet of gold.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
That time of the year
The most important day on the calendar is almost here. Christmas? Bah humbug! I'm talking Boxing Day - which plays host to the first day of first Test between Pakistan and Australia, and the first day of the second Test between England and South Africa. Two days from now, the only place I'll want to be more than the MCG is Durban.
Chris Gayle has suggested that Ricky Ponting should be bounced out by Pakistan. Unfortunately, when most bowling attacks try this, all that ends up happening is that Ricky pulls and hooks his way to a century and I have to put up with watching the celebration (or turn off the TV). Melbourne is Ricky's favourite ground - I think everyone knows that now, thanks to the Channel 9 commentary team drilling it slowly into our brains like a form of Chinese water torture. And frankly, without Akhtar, and on a pitch that is not the WACA, Pakistan should really be aiming to play to their own strengths. However, if Ponting manages to get fit for this game, it would be nice to see him get hit once or twice.
I do think, though, that they should shake up Phil Hughes if Ponting doesn't pass fit for the next Test. Short and at the body is the way to go with the banana boy. I should probably let you know now that I don't rate Hughes at all, and didn't from the first. However, he did just score a century in Shield cricket, against a fearsome Victorian attack lead by...Andrew Macdonald. Sorry, the only thing dangerous about Ronald is his hair, which might ignite at any moment and set the dressing-room on fire.
Meanwhile, over in the land of the braai, Nelson Mandela and the closest-knit team in world cricket, England are looking to develop a patent on the heartstopping draw. They can't just manage this sort of thing in a nice, calm, boring way, can they? No, they have to ensure they make the headlines by pushing themselves to the brink of a crushing defeat and getting Paul Collingwood and *insert name of tail-ender* to pull them back. This is obviously a cunning plan by that Professor of Cunning Andrew Strauss. They look like they might lose a series, so what does Prof Strauss do? He manufactures a batting collapse (assisted by Sir Kevin) and gets Collingwood (who has no titles but does have an MBE) to set up a morale-boosting victory, thus securing a certain series win from game one.
Oh, and AB took an awesome catch at slip in that last match - springing far to the left, diving low and forward and snaffling a ball of Trott's gloves just before it hit the ground. It's the little things in life that makes one happy.
Chris Gayle has suggested that Ricky Ponting should be bounced out by Pakistan. Unfortunately, when most bowling attacks try this, all that ends up happening is that Ricky pulls and hooks his way to a century and I have to put up with watching the celebration (or turn off the TV). Melbourne is Ricky's favourite ground - I think everyone knows that now, thanks to the Channel 9 commentary team drilling it slowly into our brains like a form of Chinese water torture. And frankly, without Akhtar, and on a pitch that is not the WACA, Pakistan should really be aiming to play to their own strengths. However, if Ponting manages to get fit for this game, it would be nice to see him get hit once or twice.
I do think, though, that they should shake up Phil Hughes if Ponting doesn't pass fit for the next Test. Short and at the body is the way to go with the banana boy. I should probably let you know now that I don't rate Hughes at all, and didn't from the first. However, he did just score a century in Shield cricket, against a fearsome Victorian attack lead by...Andrew Macdonald. Sorry, the only thing dangerous about Ronald is his hair, which might ignite at any moment and set the dressing-room on fire.
Meanwhile, over in the land of the braai, Nelson Mandela and the closest-knit team in world cricket, England are looking to develop a patent on the heartstopping draw. They can't just manage this sort of thing in a nice, calm, boring way, can they? No, they have to ensure they make the headlines by pushing themselves to the brink of a crushing defeat and getting Paul Collingwood and *insert name of tail-ender* to pull them back. This is obviously a cunning plan by that Professor of Cunning Andrew Strauss. They look like they might lose a series, so what does Prof Strauss do? He manufactures a batting collapse (assisted by Sir Kevin) and gets Collingwood (who has no titles but does have an MBE) to set up a morale-boosting victory, thus securing a certain series win from game one.
Oh, and AB took an awesome catch at slip in that last match - springing far to the left, diving low and forward and snaffling a ball of Trott's gloves just before it hit the ground. It's the little things in life that makes one happy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Why women should not be allowed to vote...
...at least while a hot guy is on the list of candidates.
Cricinfo are currently deciding on the South African All Time XI. There is a panel of judges (none of them female) which will make the final decision, but we knowledgeable commoners also have a chance to vote for who we believe should make the team.
At the moment, the focus is the middle order, and the options are Jacques Kallis, Daryl Cullinan, Dudley Nourse, Graeme Pollock, Herbie Taylor and AB de Villiers. Now, I go off to vote with perfectly legitimate intentions. Reading down the list I give a big TICK to Kallis and a big TICK to Pollock. And this is where my reason deserts me and female instinct overtakes. I see the photo of AB de Villiers. Not just any photo, but one in which he looks particularly gorgeous. I can't not vote for him! Even though he probably has no place at all in an all-time XI at this moment, I know who my third vote is going to.
And if some politicians are good-looking then women shouldn't vote, for the sake of democracy and the country. Luckily, in Australia, politicians are as ugly as vogons, or very very old.
Cricinfo are currently deciding on the South African All Time XI. There is a panel of judges (none of them female) which will make the final decision, but we knowledgeable commoners also have a chance to vote for who we believe should make the team.
At the moment, the focus is the middle order, and the options are Jacques Kallis, Daryl Cullinan, Dudley Nourse, Graeme Pollock, Herbie Taylor and AB de Villiers. Now, I go off to vote with perfectly legitimate intentions. Reading down the list I give a big TICK to Kallis and a big TICK to Pollock. And this is where my reason deserts me and female instinct overtakes. I see the photo of AB de Villiers. Not just any photo, but one in which he looks particularly gorgeous. I can't not vote for him! Even though he probably has no place at all in an all-time XI at this moment, I know who my third vote is going to.
And if some politicians are good-looking then women shouldn't vote, for the sake of democracy and the country. Luckily, in Australia, politicians are as ugly as vogons, or very very old.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A BIG Celebration...
...for the return of Test cricket. As I write, the Jayawardenes are pulverising the Indian bowlers in a very slow, methodical manner (kind of like Chinese water torture) in what might not be the best advert for the format. I'm talking 711/5 and no sign of relenting.
Meanwhile, rather ominously, the West Indies are looking rather z-grade against Queensland, who have an 100+ lead with 6 wickets in hand in the first innings. All I hope is that the boys from the Caribbean have massive hangovers and this is the sole reason for the dreadful performance. If not, maybe hangovers should be on the cards - they could hardly get worse, could they?
Things are also heating up in South Africa, with the one-dayers against England scheduled to start VERY SOON (yes, I know, I haven't checked the calendar for the exact date). For me, this means a gawpfest thanks to the double-billing of Graeme Swann and AB de Villiers. For everyone else, the series will involve watching a weakened England being clubbed to death by the Saffas. Unless some of their very own Saffas to pull off a miracle. Failing that, Swanny could save the day.
But all this was the introduction (wakey wakey!). The ACTUAL BIG CELEBRATION is a little one of my own. A celebration of oversized animals around the world. Below is an interesting selection (but by no means are they all represented - maybe this could be continued later?)
Disclaimer: most info comes from Wikipedia. I'm too tired to research properly, but if it's dodgy, please tell me :)
Meanwhile, rather ominously, the West Indies are looking rather z-grade against Queensland, who have an 100+ lead with 6 wickets in hand in the first innings. All I hope is that the boys from the Caribbean have massive hangovers and this is the sole reason for the dreadful performance. If not, maybe hangovers should be on the cards - they could hardly get worse, could they?
Things are also heating up in South Africa, with the one-dayers against England scheduled to start VERY SOON (yes, I know, I haven't checked the calendar for the exact date). For me, this means a gawpfest thanks to the double-billing of Graeme Swann and AB de Villiers. For everyone else, the series will involve watching a weakened England being clubbed to death by the Saffas. Unless some of their very own Saffas to pull off a miracle. Failing that, Swanny could save the day.
But all this was the introduction (wakey wakey!). The ACTUAL BIG CELEBRATION is a little one of my own. A celebration of oversized animals around the world. Below is an interesting selection (but by no means are they all represented - maybe this could be continued later?)
Disclaimer: most info comes from Wikipedia. I'm too tired to research properly, but if it's dodgy, please tell me :)
- Siberian tiger | at up to 3.3m long and 1.1m high at the shoulder, the Siberian tiger is the largest member of the cat family (lion fans, shut up). However, who said massive, ferocious carnivores couldn't have cute babies? Or be maternal?
- Giant squid | until someone finds a complete un-shrunken specimen of the Colossal squid, this fellow remains the king of the invertebrates by length, although not by weight.
- Whale shark | the biggest shark, the biggest fish, and completely harmless. Like a gigantic baby really, with its gummy mouth and blubber.
- Blue whale | yeah, you know that.
- Giant golden-crowned flying fox | ok, you probably didn't know about this flapper - it has a wingspan of up to 1.8m. Not sure I want to go into any caves in the Philippines anytime soon.
- Japanese spider-crab | another pretty well-known one, it has a maximum legspan of 4m and has been reported feeding of drowning seafarers, although it is also reportedly quite docile. All these conflicting reports...
- Japanese giant salamander | not officially the largest salamander (that belongs to China) but the one boasting the largest recent specimens. This thing reaches up to 1.5m in length including tail, is aggressively territorial, nocturnal and haunts storm water drains. Kind of like a bunyip, I guess.
- Southern elephant seal | while everyone gets excited about lions, tigers and bears, the largest carnivorous mammal is actually this bloke. The bull grows up to 6.9m in length - that's 2m longer than a car - and they're very territorial among themselves, although fights are rarely fatal.
- Ocean sunfish | the heaviest bony fish, this one grows up to 3.3m in length and 4.5m in height and likes sunbathing.
- Fish tapeworm | enough to put you off your sushi, this one. Grows to 20m in length in your intestines and lays up to 1 million eggs per day. They are transferred to humans through raw or undercooked fish.
- Giant ribbon worm | this one thankfully doesn't live inside us - it's been reported up to 55m long but is usually anywhere between 5mm and 30m in length.
- North Pacific giant octopus | not as big as the largest squids but in my mind more frightening (because octopuses just ARE) with a tentacle span of 7m.
- Oarfish | believed to be the source of many sea serpent tales, this is the longest bony fish, growing to a length of up to 11m. However, it has no teeth, unlike the significantly shorter (but much more fearsome) giant moray eel.
- Tarantula hawk | tiny compared with the rest of our friends listed here, but massive for a wasp, this grows up to 5cm long and eats tarantulas. Its sting is reputedly one of the most painful from an insect. Badass!
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