Friday, January 15, 2010

REVEALED: England players are Nelson's men in disguise

I've been aware of this since the 2005 Ashes and my first view of the lad who claims his name is Ian Bell (fake name if I ever saw one, by a lazy imposter who can't be bothered with more letters) but I've kept it a secret. Until now. The England cricket team has been infiltrated by Napoleonic British officers and crew, in an attempt to channel some of the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar into a series win worthy of an open-top bus parade to Trafalgar Square.

Here it is, for the first time - Nelson's men in whites. Or at least Forester's Nelson's men in whites:



LT ARCHIE KENNEDY AND IAN BELL

Just like Bell can't score a century without someone else in the team doing it first, the sweet-natured Kennedy doesn't do well in battle unless Hornblower's around to save the day. When Midshipman Simpson bullies the young Kennedy, he suffers from fits, echoing Bell's averse reaction to hearing the name Shane Warne.


 
CREWMAN STYLES AND RYAN SIDEBOTTOM

One scruffy, frizzy-haired, rat-chewing Yorkshireman. One scruffy, frizzy-haired Yorkshireman who may or may not chew rats (I don't know, but I should keep an eye out). If Sidebottom is anything like Styles, he's loyal, a bit of a rogue and slightly useless.



PAUL COLLINGWOOD AND CREWMAN MATTHEWS

Despite their being a slight age difference in these photos, Matthews and Colly have a lot in common. Gritty, always willing to take one for the team and yet forever keeping a low profile when the cameras are around, you can imagine that Matthews favourite stroke with the oar was definitely the nurdle.



LT WILLIAM BUSH AND CAPT MICHAEL VAUGHAN

Both Bush and Vaughan were men who showed attention to detail and kept a cool head in battle, while their more brash colleagues took centre stage (not always in a positive way). They both had receding hairlines and semi-mullets, and spent time campaigning in the West Indies, but somehow I can't imagine Bush toting a designer manbag, although that might have been because he couldn't afford one after paying for silver shoe-buckles.



 HORATIO HORNBLOWER AND ALASTAIR COOK

Excessive dark locks, thick black eyebrows, facial structure, ears, nose, mascara... there is no doubt that Alastair Cook is Hornblower in whites. As it seems that the English cricket team are determined to shape this young man as a captain, I think that England fans can relax in the knowledge that the team is in competent hands. As long as he doesn't get seasick, that is.



THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM LAND ON FOREIGN SHORES

I spy Andy Flower in need of a hair transplant, and Luke Wright. Or is it Freddie?

8 comments:

Purna said...

Cook's is spot on.

And I thought from the title that it was Nelson Mandela :P.

The MG said...

LOL

Yeah, Cook's is very good. But Ian Bell is very convincing as well, just couldn't find good photos to compare. Has exactly the same smile as Jamie Bamber (who incidentally was in Battlestar Galactica the remake and is a massive crush of mine).

Anonymous said...

quite interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one hear that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.

Stani Army said...

It's just a Chinese whisper.

Lou said...

Ahhh, Vaughan compared with the lovely Lt Bush. What a travesty.

The MG said...

Lou! Didn't you notice my cricket crush list? Vaughan rates highly ;)

Oh, and Lt Bush was a bit of a rival to Lt Kennedy *cries softly at the memories of watching Retribution*

Lou said...

But you didn't even get Archie kennedy right.

Colly is more of an Archie Kennedy, a bit of a true-heart.

Ian Bell is just a git. He'd be lucky to be a powder monkey.

The MG said...

Lou, are you admitting to membership to the I Love Archie Kennedy club? Don't worry, you're in good company (namely me). I know, Bell is a git and is nothing like Kennedy (I can't imagine him frequenting the West End). But they do look similar, although I must say Kennedy has a bit more of the Geraint Jones in him :)